It’s more likely that I’m sitting here in this chair, with my headphones on so that I can’t hear my thoughts, than the one you see outside this room. That’s not the real me. The real me would never go out there alone. Persona is my other half, the one that I use when I go outside or when I meet people, but now I can just be myself. No one is watching me; no one needs to rely on me. I should at least get up and open the window for the smoke took up most of the air in the room, but my legs refuse to move. I mean, I didn’t even think about moving thus the signal never went from my brain to my muscles. So I just sit here, covered in smoke and thoughts that I can’t hear, thoughts I don’t want to hear.

I can’t really remember if I was crying before you called, I just know that I lit the second cigarette by the time I reached for the phone to answer. And yet I stopped half way because I didn’t want you to hear me. What if I was crying? I wouldn’t know a good lie at the moment so that you wouldn’t be worried…because inevitable our conversation would end with

“I’ll be ok, don’t worry”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure”

No I’m not, I don’t know if to believe myself when I say that or not. I will be ok, that’s bound to happen after a while, but how ok is ok? There must be certain levels of ok no? I just have to figure out what level suits me best, so that I can actually tell you that I’m ok. Maybe that’s why you keep calling. But it’s useless anyway. I took off my headphones and started walking towards the corner of the room, probably burdened by the thoughts that I released, because now walking seems so damn hard for some reason.

The image that greeted me is what I feared most. It’s me…but not really me. A big bright smile on my face and sparkling brown eyes melted in place of the stern look and straight expression that I had. She was waving at me and out of respect I waved back because I thought it was a nice thing to do. She smiled but that, I could not return, because you see, my lips are sewed by this invisible string called fear. Her smile faded and she stopped waving at some point, when I turned away from the mirror and gazed at the window. Clearly, she didn’t like that and I had to please her because I needed her. Now that the music was gone, I hadn’t where to hide from her.

“It’s raining” that was my own voice coming from her mouth, a voice I haven’t recognized at first, maybe because the tone and inflexion was different from mine…but it was my sound nonetheless. “Why does it rain there?”

“Because the clouds need to cry from time to time, don’t you agree? Sometimes when people forget to feel, all those feelings evaporate into them and then the clouds simply let them fall back down when humanity lost its integrity. They help us, in a way, but some feelings are better left forgotten” I answered and looked back at her. She hadn’t move at all even though she should have and her eyes were now piercing mine. “I don’t think it ever rained when you were here”

“I don’t think so, there was no need”

“Of course, I’m the one who forgot, not you” I looked away drawing defeat when her hand touched the glass in an invitation.

“Nothing’s wrong in forgetting, you just need to know when to remember”

“If I could do that I wouldn’t have created you” I saw her face getting close to the mirror, resting her check on the cold glass, her breath reflected in a low cadence. “We’re different”

“I know you loathe me , you’re scared that I’ll take up most of your existence and encage you in your own soul, unable to escape…I won’t lie to you, I intend to do that because now, I am more alive than you have ever been. I have a life trapped inside you, a life that I can access only when you need me to. If you think my intentions are cruel, then what are you denying me, a life, what do you think that is? You created me to escape reality and now you cling to it, isn’t that just pathetic?” her voice faded as I ran out of the door in the falling rain. I forgot my umbrella inside the mirror so I kept running until my feet gave in and I had to stop. I was afraid, yes; I was terrified more because she voiced my thoughts than the smile on her face. Her…my words kept echoing in my mind and when I tried to block them out they just kept rumbling down onto me. At that moment I felt the heat of the sun touching my skin.
I wish I could say that my legs started walking on their own and brought me back in front on my door, or that my hands slowly closed the door behind me as I was heading for the mirror. I picked up the umbrella and rested my head on the cold glass looking at the small form that stood near the window. She turned back to look at me and smiled. A sweet caring smile, as she mimicked the words “Thank you”. Her hand slipped through the glass as I gave her the umbrella because she was going to need it. It was raining outside.

Memories are the consequence of the collision between past and present…


Ponderings of an unstable mind

Only_half_by_Azette~Why don’t you see what you’re supposed to? The thin layers of skin, muscles and bones weren’t supposed to make you go off track with your presumptions. You were supposed to see only what mattered and what made sense, although, being me…that’s usually a tricky business.

I have to admit, I was determined to write everything down, but as soon as my fingers touched the keyboard…I sort of forgot what I was supposed to do. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still feeling it, I just have no idea how to express it. Maybe I should call the nuthouse and ask for a spare room, just in case this evolves. Or maybe I should try and focus on what I feel, but you see, that’s kinda the problem, I don’t want to. Truth be told I shed enough unnecessary tears over things that didn’t matter to anyone, only to me. I reached the state in which I have no more strength for anything, not to cry, not to complain, not to do anything, not even to get mad, although some parts of my mind are raging, mostly against me, but that’s another story of my madness.

They say that people change, yet I wonder, why don’t I change with them? I want to, I need to in order to move along with things…and yet, why not? Why am I left behind? A good thing in all of this is that the ideas came back to me, one at a time, as they were supposed to, so I have time to think them over, in the milliseconds that pass when my fingers reach for the keyboard again. That’s how it’s supposed to.

Let’s set some things straight, now, near the end shall we? I don’t need your compassion, or your pity, I can do just fine without them. I never intended to tell you anything, that’s why I’m writing it down, because to me, it’ll always make sense; spoken words never have the same effect, not even accompanied by tears, even though there are none left to shed. I never thought I’d get so involved in this whole thing, maybe that’s why it hurts like hell right now. No, I’m not talking about physical pain here, the mental one’s much worse, and…as we both know, I hate pain, no matter the kind. And finally, I never want to think about this again, that’s why, with these last words, I’m closing the lid on that part of my mind, and hopefully, I’ll be able to change.~

Memories are the consequence of the collision between past and present…